I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
