Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
