Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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