I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just saw a hot homeless man
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My bed smells like the plague
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize