I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
