Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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