Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
