I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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