i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
