I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
