i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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