I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
