I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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