It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
