I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
