I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I don't think brook has ever known best
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
