Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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