babies were throwing up all over the place
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
