Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
