i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
