Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
