I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
