FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
