He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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