Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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