He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
