i think my tv is drunk
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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