You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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