seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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