nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
