someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
