God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
