We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
