dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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