Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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