worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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