My friends, they love my intelligence
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
