I think im going to throw up on grandma
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
