I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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