Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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