Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
