Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
