I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
