I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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