i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
