remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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