Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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