How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize