My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
