just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
