When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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