there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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