There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
