I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
