he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
