I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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