ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Drunk is a universal language darling
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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