i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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