She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
my poor anus
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
