Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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