I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
