You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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